Trauma of Connection


Trauma of Connection

Trauma isn’t just something that happens to us. It’s not just a painful event that we go through and then let go of. No trauma is so much more then that. It changes you completely, it changes the way you think, the way you feel and the way you act. But most of all it changes the way you view the world. The world isn’t safe anymore and people can’t be trusted. We come in this world believing in love, oneness and safety. We don’t think twice about the fact that things can be evil or have bad intentions. Until trauma happens… and trauma is about connection. The events you go through, the people you get to know, the people that are supposed to love you and take care of you, the people you love and trust the most, are the ones that hurt you. How can this even be? You wonder… you question… you’re confused.. why… why… why? Why do they want to hurt you? Why? Why are people so cruel and cold hearted? Why? You can’t believe people could have bad intentions. You can’t believe they would want to hurt you? You just can’t believe they are bad people. So it must have been something you did or said… or the way you are. You create the belief that you’re unlovable.. not good enough.. something is wrong with you. While in the back of your mind, your heart, your whole existence… you know… you absolutely know that that isn’t true! But you’re confused! You just don’t get it anymore! You don’t get it… But trauma is about unsafety… You don’t feel safe at all. This is so hard when you grow up with parents that constantly make you feel unsafe, unseen, unheard… Trauma isn’t just about physical violence or psychological abuse, it’s also about the absence of the things you need as a child. To feel loved. And that is to be seen, to be heard, and your needs to be met. The needs of support, love, comfort, expressing emotions, emotional regulation, kind words, empowerment, autonomy,… and so much more. You don’t feel safe in the one and only place that should’ve been your safe place, with the one and only people that should’ve been your safe connection! But instead you feel like you have to hide, change, adapt, become invisible, a pleaser or whatever works to keep the people around you calm and relaxed. So nothing bad would happen. So it’s not really about the fact that you think something is wrong with you. It’s more about the fact that you start changing yourself so the people around you will not hurt you. You get so attuned to them, to what they say, what they feel, how they act, the look they give, the energy they radiate, the little small sings that precede an outburst. Your life is about scanning, feeling and anticipating. Your life was never about growing up, being a child or teenager, that could explore the world with a safe base to go back to. No.. you never had that safe base. Most people think autonomy is created by raising independent children and letting them do it all by themselves. No autonomy, independency, and self-confidence are only created when you have a safe base to rely on. And that means connection that feels safe, loving and most of all: supporting. But you didn’t have all that.

All you want is that safe loving connection, so you can finally start exploring the world and go back to that safe place with that safe loving partner that will always support you. But trauma keeps repeating itself.. so instead of finding that safe connection… you find narcissists. And it’s been proven over and over and over again to you… that you can’t trust anybody. You’re being lied to, cheated, manipulated, used, hurt, crushed, broken… You’re so confused… now you really don’t get it anymore.. is this a world full of narcissistic people running away from their own pain and use you to feel better regardless of how you feel, cause that is something they really don’t care about?  And again you change yourself, you adapt, you do everything you can to make sure … they won’t hurt. But nothing works… even when you’re older and you have so much many more insights and more resources, more strength… it still doesn’t work. It doesn’t change the way they act. Whatever you do.. they don’t love you… they don’t care.. even though they tell you they do! And that makes it such fucking mindfuck! I do love you! I do! like wtf???!!! The mindfuck, the fighting for the love, the constant fear and adrenaline rushing through your body,.. will absolutely, totally, and completely crush you. It will take all of your energy and more… and you wonder why you feel sick..

They don’t care about your feelings and what you need, they only act like they do. But you will get sucked dry. And eventually you’ll realize… there’s nothing else to do then to stop this. Because it doesn’t work. You want this safe connection so bad…. but they only hurt you. What is wrong with this world? What is wrong with people?

They say… you need connection. Yes it would be nice if you have safe connection and people supporting you! Awesome! But if you have a history and even a present full of narcissists then connection is dangerous. Connection is THE source of your fear and pain. If you think that you can’t do this alone…you will constantly try to create that safe connection with that narcissistic person. Don’t… it won’t work. Do it alone… isolate if you have to…. Stop connecting with people that make you feel unsafe. And yes… in most cases… this will be everybody. But it’s safer alone then with people who intentionally want to hurt you. So… No… connection isn’t always the safest spot to be in. Sometimes isolation, thick walls and keeping people out… is exactly what you need to feel safe. And you need people around you respecting that! Knowing that they have to gain your trust, after all you’ve been through and still going through.

If you are going through shit like this. And you constantly meet people that absolutely don’t care about your needs, or act like they do and you get confused… then isolate… be with yourself. Become your own best friend and connect with your intuition. Because your intuition, your gut feeling, is the only thing you can trust in your world. Yourself… is the only person you can truly rely on. So start connecting with yourself. Start to listen to yourself. I know it’s hard because you’re constantly being mindfucked and manipulated. People don’t show their true faces. Don’t trust the words they speak, the promises they make or the actions they take. Don’t. What you can trust… is how you feel: do you feel safe? Do you feel safe to express? Do you feel that weird feeling in your stomach? Is your energy level dropping? Do you feeling something is off but you have no idea what? Do you start feeling like a bad person because you feel something is off but you know based on what you hear and see this person couldn’t possible be a bad person? Well then you know… your feeling already told you… back off.. now. And start to listen to that intuition… even if at some point you think: this can’t be right… there is something wrong with me… because everybody I meet… gives me that feeling. Well then remember… trauma keeps repeating itself. And the lesson you have to learn is to trust your own feelings and to only surround yourself with people that make you feel safe. Make you FEEL safe, not the ones that tell you that you can feel safe around them and that they can be trusted. Open up to the people that make you feel and give you the feeling that they have nothing to hide and wear no mask. Don’t open up to people that constantly tell you how important it is for them to be honest and show there true selves to the world, not to wear masks, and have true connection, but you still don’t feel completely safe… Don’t act on the words they speak or the actions they take. Only trust what you feel… Only when you feel safe… relaxed… calm… around them… only then you can start opening up, only then you can start trusting and letting them in… only then…

And it’s not always that they are bad people or have bad intentions, but sometimes you just don’t feel safe, don’t feel you can be yourself around them,…. It might be that they aren’t completely honest, or they do wear a mask to protect themselves, not necessarily to deceive you, or that the connection takes a lot of your energy. Then still listen to that feel, don’t question it. It doesn’t feel good, why keeping something that doesn’t make you feel, that messes with your mind and your energy? Because you want to be a good person? Drop that…

There is nothing wrong with having no connection, there is nothing wrong with waiting until you feel completely safe to open up, there is nothing wrong in waiting and being alone until you find that person or feel safe, there is nothing wrong with isolating, there is nothing wrong with doing this alone, there is nothing wrong if you feel something’s off with almost every person, there is nothing wrong with trusting your intuition even though you feel confused, there’s nothing wrong with telling somebody you don’t feel safe around them and break the connection,… It’s not about them feeling good, but about you feeling good.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with not having a connection…. When connection has never felt safe.

Become your own best friend, connect with yourself and trust your intuition, and don’t connect with somebody… who doesn’t feel good.

Only open up when you feel truly safe with that person…. And if you… just like me… never feel safe… or haven’t met that person… and you feel completely alone… then rock your own world and know…. This transformation will lead you to the person that did it on her own… Found herself… and never lost herself again… A transformation that will lead to stable, safe and supportive connections… and you won’t go for anything less. It has to FEEL safe… it has to feel relaxed, calm, and real…

You owe it to yourself… to your younger self… to the person you are now…  but mostly to your future self. Don’t settle for anything that doesn’t feel safe.

Only connect when you FEEL safe… only then…

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